OK so I know I’m a binge eater. I’m not what I would consider a binge eater, I don’t starve myself for days on end (intentionally) and then eat a whole XL pizza solo mia… but I am the type to go a day or so without eating if I am stressed and then, instead of eating healthy, drink a bunch of whiskey and have a pint of ice cream and call it even. I know it’s emotional. But, hell, when you don’t have an appetite, why should you eat? And when you’re emotionally wrecked, why the hell can’t you have whiskey and chocolate???
I know I know, it’s all about moderation. And what we eat is most definitely keyed into our emotions.
I just need to back up a bit, let me explain this week’s tragedy.
Monday morning @ 9:30, a coworker gets a call from her son informing her there is a SWAT standoff going on not too far from where we work. No other information is given other than the location. I started telling her of a story of when my ex (who still lives in the same house with me and, unfortunately, I have to admit I still have feelings for him… and hitherto will refer to him in this blog as “Q”) and I went on a call to the same area. My ex is a deputy for Chambers County in Texas. I told her of this crazy guy who had a dog who got fatally injured and wanted to make a police report on the guy who did it. Turns out, the guy who did it confessed, so the dog owner wanted to press charges. Q told him that in order to do so he would have to take his DL back to the car to start some paperwork. We got in the car and Q mentioned to me - did I notice the Jewish flag as a doormat? The swatztikas? Of course I didn’t, I am a trained vet tech/receptionist with more than 8 years experience, all I noticed was there was a Border Collie with an arrow in it’s throat who was agonal at the moment. He run the DL and it came back BAD. Several warrants, guy was a felon with a known affinity for weapons and explosives. Q called for backup, drove the car around the block and told me to duck under the dashboard and if any shots were heard to get on the radio and call for help. I was SCARED. I mean I was shaking because I thought his guy was going to unload on us. Turns out, when backup arrived, the guy was all pussycat purr and understanding, got into the squadcar without a fight.
Fastforward to today when my coworker mentions the SWAT standoff, I told her the story. Soon as I finish the story, Q called me and asked me did I remember that crazy MFer from that time with the Border Collie with the arrow in it’s throat? My heart froze. It was the same guy.
The news reports got all the info screwed up, but here’s a first-hand account of what happened. (By the way, sorry if I digress, I just find it easier to give all the info before anyone makes any assumptions.)
Due to an unpaid water bill, a female employee from the water company goes to out a trailer park at West Osage in Baytown, Texas. A female in the trailer by the name of Pamela Leggett opens fire (OPENS FIRE!!!) with a handgun on the worker because she doesn’t want her water shut off. The lady from the water company wasn’t injured but ran back to her truck, got the HELL outta there and called 911. Chambers County Deputies responded, including Deputy Shane Detwiler, who had been on the force only 2 months but had been a Texas Game Warden for 6 years. After repeatedly knocking on the door without an answer, Ms. Leggett finally opened the door. Deputies could see a pistol tucked in her pants, they took her into custody with a huge fight. They also knew that Gilbert Ortez, Pam’s common-law husband was at the residence. He is the “crazy MFer” Q referred to. Deputy Detwiler followed by the other two deputies, entered the residence to find Mr. Ortez. While walking down the hallway, deputies were put under gunfire from Mr. Ortez who was in a back bedroom. He shot through a wall with and AK47, not even knowing who he was firing at. He hit Deputy Detwiler 4 times, twice in the head, fatally wounding him. Deputies opened fire, retreating. The standoff lasted 10 hours with various efforts from law enforcement to establish communications with Mr. Ortez. Finally, they found him dead in the back bedroom. They suspect he either died during crossfire or from a self-inflicted gunshot. Either which way, he died also.
Deputy Detwiler left behind a wife and 3 very young children, oldest of which is only 4 years old. His wife was recently diagnosed with severe postpartum depression and could not be left alone with the children for fear of their safety. Their own preacher’s wife likened it to the same mental distress Andrea Yates had. Now that family has lost their rock, their solidity.
And even though he is my ex, Q was out there also. I could not get hold of him while all of this was going on so of course I was worrying. He’s the type to go “all guns blazing” without a second thought. I know I probably shouldn’t’ still have those feelings of worry over him, he did horrible things to me, he is a good person just lousy in relationships. He completely ruined my trust of anyone at all, shattered my self esteem, ruined all images of me creating a happy family environment for myself and my son, financially screwed me over, but for some reason I still hold a place in my heart for him. I just don’t know why, but I do.
So, all day Monday and into today I was a complete nervous wreck. Thinking a million thoughts a minute. When Q got home last night all I wanted to do was hold him but I couldn’t. I was so confused. I wanted to, and I felt like it would have been recieved warmly, but part of me just held back.
Today I was off, my normal offday from work. I did chores and ran errands. Q was off also but he wasn’t around. He went to a trauma/stress management counselling session for going through yesterday’s events. When he came home I was in the bathtub. All he could do was sit on the edge of the bath and apologize for being selfish, telling me that he’s glad he wasn’t one of the deputies to go on the call with Shane because he would have told him to stand back and let him go first because he didn’t have a “wife and child” at home. I’m just an ex and my son is just some kid he’s known since he was 3 months old. And he didn’t mean for it to come out that harsh, but I guess I just take things at face value. I understand him wanting to put himself first. I guess I just don’t understand how I don’t factor in the way I thought I used to. Men are so confusing, I swear. If I didn’t fear the PMS of 2 women at a time I swear I’d go lesbian.
I know this is alot of ramble and I apologize, I just had to get that out there. I’m such a self-contained person that none of my friends would ever get this rant. I have to get it out somehow.
And this brings me back to my point. All of this stress. I don’t want to eat. I just want to drink whiskey and nibble on chocolate. Not for the feeling it gives my tummy, but for the feeling it gives my soul. Numbing pleasure. And I know that is COMPLETELY destructive. And yes, fitness guru, I also understand that one can achieve more pleasure out of putting forth all that negative energy into self-constructive improvement like working out and making myself a better person, but honestly, I cannot come up with enough emotional strength to convince myself of that right now. Whiskey and chocolate are easy, they’re right here, no thought needed, no extra effort to put forth. Getting out on the track to run another mile or reading a self-help book are just too much for me right now. I know that eventually I will get out of this rut, and I know that everyone else has these problems. I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.
If anything, please let anyone who reads all the way through this to take with them the appreciation for our law enforcement officers. Yes, they can be complete buttholes when giving us a ticket for 5 miles over the speed limit, but they can also lay down their lives for us.
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